Aching for a change, a dramatic change

But everything is fine it is all going all right nothing needs improvement if I look closely (and I always do)
with an open heart I can see you, Father doing your work. I've witnessed the beauty right inside of my eyes, I've seen it captured the grace and the mercy. You are magnificent.

But I still feel this lurch from the inside out for change, who is asking for this change? Who are you?

I am calling you out "come out, come out, where ever you are!"

It's time for me to have an encounter face to face with this substance screaming and demanding my attention.
My tired eyes are being strengthened and I know all of this makes sense it does and must.

There is a time for everything I've witnessed time changing and overlapping I've been there and I am looking back at it in amazement and wonder. Sometimes I feel as if I wasted so much time and I possibly did though I am here now at the understanding of such and I can conquer this.

It's my choice and my life to have whatever I want in it I have some say over the things that happen
in the immediate instance and I was given that choice from love, so I might as well use it in love
and with the power of love.

I am happy and becoming even happier with everyday because as the days go by I am learning how to be that way, and also realizing the people around me love me, and they won't steal and take from me. They won't cheat or break my heart every second of everyday. The guards are coming down and the shields are being removed and I can fly my wings weren't clipped I was just in a cage. It took me awhile to realize that and it took me a minute to realize I hadn't clipped them myself, I wasn't the only perpetrator but I won't allow myself now that I have the knowledge to be put in another or the same cage. I often don't want to land I hadn't flown in so long... But I do land because I have to. But I am determining where home is and where the traps are set where I should land for rest and recouping and where I should flee from not to relish one more moment in flightless thoughts, harmful taunts.

I feel so young and jumbled but I am good because it's just the process it's not the end of the road nor the promised land.

I am IN LOVE!

With a girl named Lulu!
She is wonderfully spectacular!

Thanksgiving is on the morrow and I have all the world to be thankful for
life and life abundantly.

Last year near thanksgiving I was troubled deeply I had gone through a horrific event, in my mind it was and still haunts me. I fled the coop to a friend's house and stayed for a week her family swarmed me with love they had no idea what I had just been through they never asked questioned just welcomed me in.

They were the family I needed for that moment in time, my other family was abroad they were places unreachable.. And I know it was for a reason.. actually during that time I had to believe that it was
or I would never have survived that season in one piece. I just held onto hope
and the smiles that decided to pierce my heart with love.

Days before Thanksgiving I was heading to Florida by way of my first Greyhound bus trip with my
younger brother it was a very long trip for us but we made it through and came out on the other side better people albeit weary and never wanting to ride on a bus again.

I wore that same dress from the photo above on Thanksgiving day and gutted my first turkey.



I met an angel during a layover he talked about God after I asked if he needed prayer
he was waiting for me to ask that question.. And also waiting to tell me so much more.

On another layover a much longer one, Cruz and I met this lovely young woman who also knew Father
she was going to get married. Her life was a hectic mess that she wasn't really allowed to speak about, but she spoke to us. She is going to be okay I told her so and gave her brownies to make because we should always be celebrating she in return gave Cruz and I money for breakfast. We both gave unconditionally and got so much back. 

Photos of last thanksgiving taken with a mini camcorder (thanks Cassidy even though you didn't know I wasn't going to borrow.. it came in handy! (: )

I sneer at fear

Why must you try and trouble my poor heart?

I just want to break open freedom from fear like an ice pick to a fragile melting
glacier, hit it with all that I've got and let the cracks run through and through it.
Then let it burst open with glee and exhilaration. Bright and cold and fresh
pieces flying in delight and frightfulness gone replaced by the hope of life.

I am not sure

that anyone will ever love me the way I want to be loved.

So that leaves me to sit here & cope with that, there is a small loneliness always to be had the human race and the heart inside them cannot fill it even with all their efforts. I am unlovable in that way, I am unreachable, unattainable you cannot love a ghost.

"I am covered in skin 
No one gets to come in 
Pull me out from inside 
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding 
I am colorblind "

No one knows how to pull me out I am here my surroundings uninhabitable.

My tears they roll softly and maturely down my face I am practiced in this area the tears fall

and I look straight ahead stoic to the thought that you can move this mountain in me.

You're just a human, humans are too human to save another human in this respect at least I am not to be saved.

I feel the urge to write

and so I come here and nothing escapes me not in the way that I want it to.

I feel like an empty hole out off the side of the road somewhere passed the rails
that keep you straight and down below the terrain that no one ever visits anymore.
Sometimes when it rains the water that drips fills me up and washes the dirt edges
down to the middle I turn mushy and soft you could dig in me easily if you wanted for
in this moment I am just mud.

I wish I could be born right now start over leave the passive journey that was,
behind me and just start now left still with all that I gained from time here.

There are so many electric currents that run through this air these days miles and miles
worth of story that is told,  put on an endless infinite loop.

All things that are good rush and spin through me as if I am translucent
as if I am a spirit, malleable. As if that moment in Pocahontas when she sings the song
"The colors of the Wind" And the leaves rush around her in a circle they swirl about her
body. Good things they swirl about me now and all the bad it stiffens with the strike of good.
I stand as just a mere human hope is my only way to stay alive and I thrust my eyes on it
as the mouths and hearts of others speak clearly and more honest than I have ever heard uttered
or understood before.

I look out across this mountaintop and I breathe just breathe for the first time in a long time.

Each morning I wake up a little bit closer to you

And I smile that something might actually stick. I told you my fears and you told me not to fear them because if I lose you or not wouldn't I rather enjoy what time I do have with you? Do I want to choose possible pain over nothingness? yes, help me.

Realizing that what you thought was so difficult you only made that way by complicating it.

Realizing that half of what you thought was trash were gems but you have to learn to appreciate
and to not be so hard on yourself. But as your learning it's okay to go through those things because
what you lost and didn't know you were losing only pushed you to higher places, places easier to breathe
and now you can look back and be disappointed or pleased. I will be pleased. Excited. Exhilarated.
Ready and waiting.