Bedlam

Clamor.
Turmoil.


The ability to keep a hold on my brain and thoughts during
certain times of the day is like trying to hold on to water
it wobbles around falls through my hands as I try to retain them.

Anger.
Resentment.
Hurt.
Pain.

As everything starts to look alright for once
I am targeted for attack, the inclination of air
becomes absurd being that the reach for oxygen
is one unstable and ill-mannered. It is out of my clutches
in such a way that is disgusting as I gasp for breath
void is inherited in return but I settle in again longing
for the sunny side knowing that it has to be out there somewhere.
Daybreak will prevail it is my only hope.

what happened?

I guess I don't have to react like I once did.
I'm told that I have to like myself... everyday I try.

I cannot see what to like or even love.

I've despised all my decisions for so long I feel like a corpse walking around.
How do I handle feeling this way? You get so upset when you see how I truly feel
about myself I try to hide it some, but I don't want to lie.





I've hated who I was why I couldn't be someone more caring or special or sweet.


I do know that I have something to offer... but the price of that offer seems
not worth what I have inside.


and I know that none of my hatred for myself is true all the reasons are
not valid.. because everyone is special... everyone is worth it.
I know that in my heart .. I was told this and it settled in and nestled
where things you're told ring true and it'll stay there.. forever..
But somehow it hasn't seemed to overcome the thoughts of
vial towards me... Why those thoughts are there I do not know
but they've been there always... but I usually smile through it all.

But you noticed... you noticed my pain and won't relent until
I am whole... you are the only one who has ever been dedicated
to me in this way.  The way you see exactly what I need I've never
experienced such a thing; and to want to bring the resource
to fulfill that need, constantly.  It's unreal. Makes me hate myself more for
for being able to have you.. what reason is this that I get you?
Sure I sacrificed everything I had...but it seems so empty, especially
when I start to think about those who don't have resource to be able to give anyway
it is stripped from them...pain preceded birth even before their feet touched the ground
hunger was an abhorrent thing already swirling about you...watching videos of people traveling to Liberia..
and Congo... to those dark desolate places... peering into the lives of
adolescent cocaine addicts, prostitutes who are beaten.. people raised
in hatred only to know violence, infectious disease and AIDS surrounding,
no escape..they have no toilets but a beach to relieve themselves on.
Wars where they open the backs of innocent children and remove the heart
divide it into pieces amongst the young warriors...those who drink
the blood of a small child... who eat human flesh nibble on the bones.
That is what they know... what they are raised on.. The evil spirits that lurk within..
Isn't it strange that witch doctors seem to be everywhere... I think it is odd.
It's just proof.. the spirit of evil is present.. witch craft voodoo... pain.. fear
it's all there...




well....every time I see something like that I think to myself about the things we
complain about from day to day... how trivial.. how many people would desire
to complain about these small certain things we let run our lives.... people would give
anything to be able to "complain" of those things... Even a bad childhood a mother who was
less tentative then we would have liked... a Father who is self-centered who takes off
with a SUV full of household items without word.... They do not compare to the things
I saw from afar on that computer screen, but yet they are relevant they dictate our lives and
relationships... We the human race so fragile and perfect in our little bodies.

We suffer. All of us. United in something we are.







 

can I be honest with you?

I am afraid of change.
I mean it's strange for me to say this since that's what I do
the only thing that is consistent in my life is well.. change.
So for it to happen so often yet I still have the breath knocked out
of me every time I feel the winds of change coming is kind of ridiculous.

But it happens... and I just needed to say it to something..
saying it having it out there helps me regain air and a steady
pace of breath to suck on as I process what comes next.

As I become readied for the next adventure ahead of me

You can only try

You can only try and wait and see you can only hope and stop yourself from
focusing on the bad. I often find that if something good is going to happen or happening
I will begin to swirl about in all the bad that could potentially arouse and take from me.
I lived this way for awhile now and just now am I breaking the cycle, just now are the heavy
chains falling off my feet as I walk away light my wings flutter in delight for they haven't twitched
in quite some time. I can escape from this realm the realm of disappointment and fear.

The passive life I've lead for so long will fall off me like an old garment no longer needed.
Ahh yes you can only try or you can only not try this time these times I want to stick my neck out
there I want to taste life and adventure I want for things to go bad and for me to say that it's okay
to be glad to just feel and to know I can carry on that I am human and us humans are capable of so much
more then fear. I am capable of persevering I am capable of sadness and the greatest joys.
I am an intentional piece of the puzzle no I am not an superfluous piece to cover the grey areas
I am so much more than that and it is time that I lived up to the Special uniqueness of who that I am.


So then I can finally rest finally be settled in I can feel the nook of your arms as I lay and sway in the them.
I am comforted here as I rest with your hands draped over the nape of my neck like a warm cloth soothing my temper and holding me still. You fed sweet delights to me so that I would inch closer to your palm as you pet and stroked my mane I ate and gobbled it up delicious and yummy in my mouth the best food I'd ever tasted. I would flinch at a move too quick paced, but I always came back asking for more Turkish delight to chew upon and that's when you scooped me up I tried to flee I let out a bellow but you never let go just pulled me close
away from the blowing wind and again had your angels hold out their loving touch to me as you held and loved me so. And I frightened still wept so you began to sing your sweet coos to me and that's when I began to listen and notice and see, you are the sweetest most delectable Father that ever could be.

cut the length off

it is a year of new beginnings a place where happiness stems with the fruit of life
springing up.

I am going to do it all the things that once bound me to fear, resentment, hatred and pain
they are the things that tangle my hair. They abuse my soft thick locks and turn them into
thin breakable straw. But no more I won't have it this way and I won't wait for it either
I am ready for the newness of life to spring up in me the seed of heaven that abides in the
pit of my stomach will sprout and  I will sow and reap without the tangles and weeds to worry about.
But the freedom of newness and the knowledge the length will return IN FULL no bout a doubt it my friends.

That my princess hair will come back to me stronger than ever and thick as rope that was a means of path for
the masked man to chase his princess up the cliffs of insanity with. My hair will be that useful and strong full of honor and resourcefulness. 

The aching heartcry

Hello my lovely ones, hi to you. I hope you are well that things are alright with you.
I hope you can now find yourself able to smile at the things to come with a beautiful glow
fresh snowflakes in your hair.
Please take care for I will love you always.
What causes your heartache beats the same with me.

Two separate lives two different places to be and yet I still feel you as if you
were sitting right next to me.

There is a vision that persistently flickers before me it catches my breath
this is not where the sidewalk ends. Her name is hope and hope for the future

"do what I say and I'll make you okay and drive them away
the images stuck in your head

people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still"

So it goes like this and I find that my thoughts are fleeting

They are like sand through a sieve running through and through
but occasionally they are too large to fit through the tiny holes where
all the rest flee to who become immersed and unattainable, fallen into deep dispossession
gone. But the thoughts the revelations too monumental to squeeze through as the rest do
they shake me and wake me up with a start. An unapologetic start that has me stand
straight up and remember who I am who I was before amnesia hit with the blow of forgetfulness.

They are my cornerstones that my heart has been set around they are where
I run to as I grow and leave the minuscule behind. When you grow you need
new things that fit you accordingly if you've grown and your body is hidden by
ill-fit clothes and shoes your figure will not shine to it's full capacity. There comes a time
where you must let go, throw out the old, not only unessential but also impeding
favorite things and begin again to learn who you are with new eyes, hands and feet.
You've reached a place where more can be added unto you.. because you've allowed it to be so.

Some hold themselves back wishing not to move forward but to run in circles and enjoy

the vapid well worn-in path to quit overcoming the obstacles of the high calling.

It's funny that we call it the higher calling I am sure most often it's a confusing title
for those who have not yet tasted the sweet and succulent honey like Love of His.

To watch as Christ took to the those High places and was tested and tried everyday

until at last with a finale he was crucified.. Ahh yes.. the higher calling.

When people look at my family; homeless, they don't understand how it could

be good. But then they look further into our eyes and ask themselves
"how are they happy? What do they have that we do not?"

People tell us to be like them. They say "
Have a house, by your own two hands work for it with all your life, die for it and in it too.
For their own comfort they ask that of us never asking if we are happy here.

I am puzzled by those suggestions.
 I look across the nation and I see you, yes you... bankrupt, foreclosure on the way with empty pockets and stomach's to boot. And you say to me "join us... we've got something special that you don't".. as you smile your destitute smile and relay to me once again what comforts, Father wants us to have... "He wants you to take this part into your own hands." And I know it's just because you love us and want us to have and be comforted, but that isn't where I get my hope from.

Your hands are empty and mine... they are swollen with goodness. No, I am not without troubles but yet I have them everyday the world turning on us at every moment those closest inching away with a "that's all I can do for you"  And you tell me what I need when you don't have anything to give. 

Okay so, I know that's the way it's been done for a very long time now

but it is not by any means the only way. And just because you are comfortable there

doesn't mean that's where I should be. Just because "they" tell us to "or else" they say with a smug sneer. You pave a road and expect me to walk down it the way you've done it over and over again but you're aren't happy and you don't by any means have it figured out. What you are offering to me is less then what I have. Because though we've been with no steady income for years now.. we've never been hungry once. I asked Father for bread and ten minutes later a woman knocked on the door handed me a wordless loaf and turned around and walked away.

How can you say that I need more then Him? When especially with what He's been promising, better more.. and most of all HIM. But you don't believe it you don't think it's possible that He would do that or even could and why us? Maybe, just maybe because we declined your way and asked for His. That's what we want. That's all we want to have. Anything else is not fitting, it falls off my shoulders or squeezes my insides from the tightness it asks of me. And I say no that's not what I want, your offers are sweet and kind.. sometimes horrid and harsh and still I say no.
Years go by and I know the promised land isn't far from here, we've gone though to the other side and I am happy here. I see the lakes and oceans full of water and bliss and I feel it in my bones that it'll all be okay.

I don't want your world.
I don't want what you've built.

The Wise and Foolish Builders Matthew 7:24-29

24“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

28When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, 29because he taught as one who had authority, and not as their teachers of the law."

I want what He said in soft tones and whispers in my ear that had shivers of delight rolling down my spine because of the nearness of his breath that smelled of warmth and honey-like tea, the secrecy of my Bridegroom's lips . The whispers He spoke were this