Aching for a change, a dramatic change

But everything is fine it is all going all right nothing needs improvement if I look closely (and I always do)
with an open heart I can see you, Father doing your work. I've witnessed the beauty right inside of my eyes, I've seen it captured the grace and the mercy. You are magnificent.

But I still feel this lurch from the inside out for change, who is asking for this change? Who are you?

I am calling you out "come out, come out, where ever you are!"

It's time for me to have an encounter face to face with this substance screaming and demanding my attention.
My tired eyes are being strengthened and I know all of this makes sense it does and must.

There is a time for everything I've witnessed time changing and overlapping I've been there and I am looking back at it in amazement and wonder. Sometimes I feel as if I wasted so much time and I possibly did though I am here now at the understanding of such and I can conquer this.

It's my choice and my life to have whatever I want in it I have some say over the things that happen
in the immediate instance and I was given that choice from love, so I might as well use it in love
and with the power of love.

I am happy and becoming even happier with everyday because as the days go by I am learning how to be that way, and also realizing the people around me love me, and they won't steal and take from me. They won't cheat or break my heart every second of everyday. The guards are coming down and the shields are being removed and I can fly my wings weren't clipped I was just in a cage. It took me awhile to realize that and it took me a minute to realize I hadn't clipped them myself, I wasn't the only perpetrator but I won't allow myself now that I have the knowledge to be put in another or the same cage. I often don't want to land I hadn't flown in so long... But I do land because I have to. But I am determining where home is and where the traps are set where I should land for rest and recouping and where I should flee from not to relish one more moment in flightless thoughts, harmful taunts.

I feel so young and jumbled but I am good because it's just the process it's not the end of the road nor the promised land.

I am IN LOVE!

With a girl named Lulu!
She is wonderfully spectacular!

Thanksgiving is on the morrow and I have all the world to be thankful for
life and life abundantly.

Last year near thanksgiving I was troubled deeply I had gone through a horrific event, in my mind it was and still haunts me. I fled the coop to a friend's house and stayed for a week her family swarmed me with love they had no idea what I had just been through they never asked questioned just welcomed me in.

They were the family I needed for that moment in time, my other family was abroad they were places unreachable.. And I know it was for a reason.. actually during that time I had to believe that it was
or I would never have survived that season in one piece. I just held onto hope
and the smiles that decided to pierce my heart with love.

Days before Thanksgiving I was heading to Florida by way of my first Greyhound bus trip with my
younger brother it was a very long trip for us but we made it through and came out on the other side better people albeit weary and never wanting to ride on a bus again.

I wore that same dress from the photo above on Thanksgiving day and gutted my first turkey.



I met an angel during a layover he talked about God after I asked if he needed prayer
he was waiting for me to ask that question.. And also waiting to tell me so much more.

On another layover a much longer one, Cruz and I met this lovely young woman who also knew Father
she was going to get married. Her life was a hectic mess that she wasn't really allowed to speak about, but she spoke to us. She is going to be okay I told her so and gave her brownies to make because we should always be celebrating she in return gave Cruz and I money for breakfast. We both gave unconditionally and got so much back. 

Photos of last thanksgiving taken with a mini camcorder (thanks Cassidy even though you didn't know I wasn't going to borrow.. it came in handy! (: )

I sneer at fear

Why must you try and trouble my poor heart?

I just want to break open freedom from fear like an ice pick to a fragile melting
glacier, hit it with all that I've got and let the cracks run through and through it.
Then let it burst open with glee and exhilaration. Bright and cold and fresh
pieces flying in delight and frightfulness gone replaced by the hope of life.

I am not sure

that anyone will ever love me the way I want to be loved.

So that leaves me to sit here & cope with that, there is a small loneliness always to be had the human race and the heart inside them cannot fill it even with all their efforts. I am unlovable in that way, I am unreachable, unattainable you cannot love a ghost.

"I am covered in skin 
No one gets to come in 
Pull me out from inside 
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding 
I am colorblind "

No one knows how to pull me out I am here my surroundings uninhabitable.

My tears they roll softly and maturely down my face I am practiced in this area the tears fall

and I look straight ahead stoic to the thought that you can move this mountain in me.

You're just a human, humans are too human to save another human in this respect at least I am not to be saved.

I feel the urge to write

and so I come here and nothing escapes me not in the way that I want it to.

I feel like an empty hole out off the side of the road somewhere passed the rails
that keep you straight and down below the terrain that no one ever visits anymore.
Sometimes when it rains the water that drips fills me up and washes the dirt edges
down to the middle I turn mushy and soft you could dig in me easily if you wanted for
in this moment I am just mud.

I wish I could be born right now start over leave the passive journey that was,
behind me and just start now left still with all that I gained from time here.

There are so many electric currents that run through this air these days miles and miles
worth of story that is told,  put on an endless infinite loop.

All things that are good rush and spin through me as if I am translucent
as if I am a spirit, malleable. As if that moment in Pocahontas when she sings the song
"The colors of the Wind" And the leaves rush around her in a circle they swirl about her
body. Good things they swirl about me now and all the bad it stiffens with the strike of good.
I stand as just a mere human hope is my only way to stay alive and I thrust my eyes on it
as the mouths and hearts of others speak clearly and more honest than I have ever heard uttered
or understood before.

I look out across this mountaintop and I breathe just breathe for the first time in a long time.

Each morning I wake up a little bit closer to you

And I smile that something might actually stick. I told you my fears and you told me not to fear them because if I lose you or not wouldn't I rather enjoy what time I do have with you? Do I want to choose possible pain over nothingness? yes, help me.

Realizing that what you thought was so difficult you only made that way by complicating it.

Realizing that half of what you thought was trash were gems but you have to learn to appreciate
and to not be so hard on yourself. But as your learning it's okay to go through those things because
what you lost and didn't know you were losing only pushed you to higher places, places easier to breathe
and now you can look back and be disappointed or pleased. I will be pleased. Excited. Exhilarated.
Ready and waiting.

What do I really mean?

Sometimes I am such a mystery even to myself I have so many complicated layers

I even have layers in my layers. Anyone remember that part in Shrek? "YOU'RE AN ONION"

I am getting there finding my stride as my mother would say.

I feel much more myself than I ever have before I say that then remember when I was five and younger

and I remember bliss to myself at least. The battle to know who I was and the choices were easier

I was still human though.

I am still human though and a complicated one at that.

But I am recognizing these things now.

I have a little room to grow I have a little sun I am growing towards.

I feel like an enigma. I don't like it.

But I like myself more than I ever have before the capabilities I am seeing in myself the things I see myself doing. I know what I can be and what I am. Before I had no idea what I could be or give but that was all a part of the process.

I know how to heal someone and I know how to just be.

And that's why I like myself.

Because I have eyes to see and ears to hear and a heart and hands and able body

to accomplish good.

Of course I can look at myself (and I do, especially at night.. especially in the quiet.)

And see the mistakes and the moments I wish to change or take back. I look at certain of

those moments and wonder who was in control at those times. I feel mislead. but that's okay.

I wasn't coming back the same person this time.

I came back more gentle and a lot more compassionate sweet and revealing of my heart.

I am not willing anymore to let pain consume precious moments in my life she had her go
but pain sooner or later becomes a choice. And I am kicking her out of my life she needs to go
go. go. go.

Every argument that has valuable issues to be dealt with can be dealt with
but as we resolve it there will be not be friction like there was before.
There will be openness and forgiveness and I will let you in,  I will.

sick

uhg, I am sick.

Takeo became sick and had to be off work for two and half days luckily those days were near the weekend.

However now I believe I've caught what he has(d)
he is on the mend now but still coughing often.

I feel absolutely awful my body weak and my brain feels bruised I get nausea here and there
however tonight I was able to eat more solid food.

I do feel better than I did this morning oh that was not good
so I hope I am getting better since we are leaving tomorrow night.
Takeo says that I will be and I am trying to trust in that word and remain
aware of it.

I hate the long drive but I will survive especially if I am feeling better I will just be happy to not be sick anymore.

I am enjoying my new hair every passing day it is nice to be free of the hassle that my damaged hair became on top of that the feeling of removing all the reasons for the damage is remarkable and I enjoy it more and more.

We should not and cannot limit ourselves to anything.

That would be limiting ourselves to life I see so many open doors these days
so many fresh ideas and hope, I wonder where they have been for so long,

And I remember that people stifle themselves by playing the look-a-like game
by doing what the crowd has already done and then pretending to break out
of the norm but they do it because that's what everyone else is already doing.

But, I see a huge bronze door creaking open I hear the
whir of the wind behind that door
there is life that is seeping through and I am pushing forward
opening it with all the weight of my
body, and the strength of my limbs.
The will of my heart is the power to withstand all that comes at me
and it is weak, but in that Jesus is strong.


I am learning to not be jealous ..
" that you need to stop comparing yourself to other people. Some people are great singers, some are really smart and others are great athletes. But none of them are, or ever could be you. You are one of a kind. So stop comparing yourself to other people. You can't be them any more than they can be you."

I need to learn this.

To let go of all the pain that is inside of me.
I don't want to let this insecurity out especially on an online blog somewhere that I cannot rip in to a million pieces for no one to find and or ever read but I think this is a must this is where it needs to be this time it requires to be permanent.

I need to let Takeo love me like he says that he does I need to believe him when he says he'll love me forever and that he is different. He doesn't look at other girls he says there are no other girls and I try
then  I look around and I see every other guy coveting the flesh of another girl
other than their significant other.

I see men in relationships stare other girls down while they are at dinner with their girlfriends or wives maybe just a date, but it all still means the same thing no matter where you are at in the relationship.

And it pains me there is an ache that never really leaves just hidden somewhere in between present chaos the pressing matters that need to be dealt with in the now all the pain has to be buried deep until I cry at night and yelp out for pains sake.

It is hard for me to believe that I am in the only girl in the world like he says
who could really believe that? I've never seen that kind of love before the kind
that says "I only have eyes for you" and means it.


Especially when I am head over heels in love with him and he could truly hurt me if I let him.
It takes trust to get hurt and it takes letting go to be burned.
And it takes all that to truly love the person you are with it takes all of the
open doors to pain to truly feel love.

My grip loosens and my feet are slowing leaving the ground they've been on so very long.
And I guess that's why I can finally write about it because I am overcoming.

The closer I get the more I lose my breath sometimes when the thought of pain rushes in out of nowhere, like feral waves burning mad. And I have to fight it I have no other choice of course I am tempted to run it's all I've known for ages. But when he tells me there is another way and holds me sweetly as I cry and he has no idea why. I know there is another way and I will fight for it as I fight for gaining my life back from the dead I will fight for this love I was given as well. I will be not be silenced nor will I drown in depression or thoughts of what if's or could be's. I cannot and will not be left behind to myself.

You left the house lights on

it would be hard for me to go back to just writing with a pen and paper now...

But I needed a new start a place that's fresh and has no split or dead ends, I am not the person that I once was and I don't need the connections to them either.

I feel good.. I feel better with it this way.

However the vast expanse in front of my has me wobbling to and fro I use effort to keep my balance
and I notice the daily strains as I let go of the dead weight that I was carrying. The release of that pressure
has me excited for the normal aches and pains of everyday life that I never knew I could have.. How funny is it of me to say that people take advantage of those things?

Not that funny.

I feel good to detach myself away from him and finally let go of guilt and worry that I shouldn't have to carry, there is a time before the age of accountability and I was there among that time and he was passed it very aware, knowing what he would be held accountable for.

So you better stand up and state your case in honesty, it is time and I stand underneath the bow
of security, cringing... But okay and looking onward.

I am here now and when I see the lights aglow behind the windows of houses that I stroll by at night or twilight it scares me, at one time it excited me and filled me with pure joy that there were people afloat
and lives were taking place, and I was so close to them I was part of their fate of their world even though they did not know.

But now I see it and it is like the ghost of Christmas past that haunts me I want to run and divide to find a place, a Palace far off from glowing windowsills away from partaking in the lives of those so near.

We underestimate the youth in ways that are haunting and terrifying.

And so the morning starts

it is 6:32 AM

I am wide awake... I guess well at least I don't feel like sleeping is that wide awake enough?
I hate going to a lonely bed.. I know others have it worse but that lonely bed frightens me.
Maybe the idea of rest still shakes me up subconsciously... okay consciously too just not as often, anymore.

Takeo just came and checked on me I am in the dark living room with the light of the laptop illuminating
my face and hands. He just wanted to see if I was okay and surprisingly tonight, I am okay.

The birds are just now chirping they've woken up and I've yet to sleep,
what a silly little one I am.

Sometimes when I stay awake this late I imagine what it would be like if I were the kind of person who
woke up at such a time as this. I imagine a life wrapped up in that morning and I yearn for the softness
of that person of the simplicity that says "Awake the light has come back, it must mean we've done something
right we've kept it shining still, lets try again today."

I look out at that life through these windows I call eyes and the scenery is made up of
frost this morning and a cup of tea or coffee in my hand, as I curl up on some edge outside
soaking in the fresh sunshine. My smile is soft and aglow and the warmth in my heart reflects
the sun rays that keep me from shuddering from the frosty winter weather making it's way
back to us for a little while.

It's not that I am not happy with the way things are now it seems that this schedule has been inevitable
the past couple of years in my life, and that  is okay because there is certainly a time set in place
for everything under the sun.

And I am under it and in Him too.

I hear this clock ticking beside me it is incessant and relentless but it does what it does
and we all follow suite. However I feel as though I am in the wrong country for the time
frame I sleep and wake in.

Will I ride my bike tomorrow? Will I muster the strength it takes to push myself that step forward?

I hope. and if not that then paint begin priming Wayne's kitchen and bathroom... I am very excited and nervous but mostly excited and trusting.

Where can I end these words so I can feel satisfied enough to sleep without them pestering me?

My thoughts are not my thoughts when now I lay me down to sleep.

My thoughts are not my thoughts when in comes the doubt and second guessing.

My thoughts are my thoughts when sharpened and pressed for all the good things.

"For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."


those are my thoughts that's what I am.


Now somehow I will be that honestly and completely, right?

This was written on a plain white piece of paper with a blue pen

Today, I feel at ease I can smell and taste this change in me and I'll never be able to explain

what it is I went through to anyone unless they've also gone through it too. But these thoughts are alien to this world, to these people... to my even myself.

A puzzle, I wish I weren't so complicated I can feel ceilings lifting and when they do healing is taking place. And that takes time and time is something I am trapped in at the moment. Time is the ultimate prison.

Christmas music has already started.. And you know what? I love it.

Today was gentle so much more gentle than what was expected.

The sweetness in that young boy's demeanor eases all my qualms.

And his face brightens the future because of the childlike hope that

filters through the air in proximity with him.

He held on to my toes as he slept. His dreams they seemed violent and he held

on. He is so strong and I need to hold on to my Father's toes. Not even tight

he didn't squeeze, yet just firm enough to not fall away, what he wanted was the touch of

comfort.

I remember what that quote said 

it is no small thing when those so fresh from heaven love us.

that being said those so fresh from heaven can teach us so much.

I am glad that I was there today.

One of my favorite beauties is the wind and lives in the wind the gentle eloquence.

What is so good feeling about pen and paper? It feels so delightful.

I will find this world I seek make no mistake about it and when I do I will soak, soak, soak it up with Takeo.

My Takeo.

How do I have him? How could I not? It seems Father is without flaw. Takeo is just what I need/needed and he was given to me he is my gift. The gift I get to keep for the rest of my life.

Where I would be if he hadn't shown up at my doorstep holding a puppy.

I shutter to think about the road I was headed down but he swept in and

stood firm never wavered not even when I pushed with all my might.

He was the balance of my world I had no equilibrium and he came in

and steadied my trembling, without question he loved me and still does.

My thoughts are horrid at night sleep seems impossible without company.

But Mercy{joy} comes in the morning and I rest at ease in comfort.

I sleep my days away probably preventing greater tragedy from striking.

The sun warms my skin and heart and I sit silently in clutter and signs of depression

my spirit rejoices and weeps as my path heals the ground and earth beneath me.

I will never take that lightly.

My name is Heal Heart, I was custom made to love.

the harvest moon

it seems it all can start with the most simple of things.

Launching us into destiny set forth to this road .

Purple is an excellent color one I am draped in
tonight.

I am clean I have a fresh good feeling in my heart.

I am infused with fear whenever I am presented with fresh freedom,
and I just get through it. Sometimes we have to grow up to really
utilize our freedom. Sometimes better days are brought you by way
of growth.

What you don't know cannot hurt you.
Sure if you don't apply that as a blanket precept for life.

Questioning is not always a bad thing.

Everything comes in layers and waves and not accepting something for just what it is
can be very useful.

Again, with saying that there is no blanket way of life.

Other than love but love will take you for rides that you don't understand.
But that doesn't mean you are going the wrong way, because everything isn't
working out in the easiest form, or even sometimes the hardest you could imagine.

But the hardest you can imagine is definitely not the hardest it can be.


God can stretch your understanding if you let Him but it definitely means
you'll go through things. The word stretch kind of entails a lot.
Stretching is being stretched...

It is not just something you use as poetry and a romantic conversation piece
about, Father.
If you want it to be real then it's going to be absolute and you'll go through it
but try and remember that you wanted it that you asked for it.

At the times when it feels the most visionary but of course the most ethereal
because I am at a place of capability. I was once desperate for it and maybe it's
not more visionary but yet, more comfortable.

Is when the times does come and is here.

My list is drawn upon my heart set deep in the levels of desire, satisfyingly
without the urgency of need. I do not lack. My thirst is quenched and
my hunger does not exist. I do not need to eat of the tree of knowledge
but of the tree of life and life is continual, hunger is unheard of here
in perfection.