It doesn't seem fair "she says stomping her feet"

Why when you get older do the people around you stop trying to make life shine as they do when you are a child? Going out of their way to get the toy you want or handing you a red balloon.

Why don't people do that anymore?
It seems that they think once you're tall you just don't enjoy simple happiness anymore.
Parents aren't allowed to have Christmas for them when they have children. You don't
go out and buy them an ice cream cone. Do we really feel that we must go out of
our way to make children happy because once you grow up life is just.. empty?
That we've got to make sure we fill them up with enough good to last
through their lifespan because once you grow up... then there is only hope that
your survive... I mean I want people to treat children right, and to adore them
and love them.. And most of all raise them up in the way they should go


Because it doesn't have to be that way.. it doesn't have to be so!
But we allow that cycle and I am not sure why we do!

The goodness of life as we know it isn't supposed to come to an abrupt
halt.. But teenagers want to be old.. why? What is the formula that makes
us desire growth?

Why cannot we give and receive like years ago when I was young?
I could see things more clearly with my unclouded mind and I think
I am coming back to that.. I remember when I began to lose
sight that others matter more than yourself should, others
come first... or even  come at all. .. we forget that parents
are people.. and they have wishes and dreams
kooky cute personalities that need to be recognized just like the youth's.
I remember when as I grew it drifted from me until I found Father
and he showed me that life was entirely different then whatever it was I was
doing.

But we forget... we forgot that they have things inside of them too
that need to be loved and held dear. We all need to be adored and
recognized as special.. and well, ALIVE... we are all human no matter
what age, age is irrelevant..  No wonder people die before even their
bodies do.. What is the point of being alive when everything good
and all the wonder is stripped from you? Leaving you an empty kind
of naked that is cold no matter how many layers of blankets of time
have been spread out on you.

Anyway.. my mind went in to overflow and I needed somewhere to put the stuff that ranneth over.
Thanks for listening...

:)

An Abundance of Photos.

Strength.

The hair on the back of my neck stands on end as I force my way through
the crowd of pain and turmoil.


There is only hope that I can cling to nothing else that makes this life worth living.
Why else do we hold on so tightly? I watched a documentary about a man who is
afraid to die and believes everyone who thinks otherwise is lying or deceived.

I wonder to myself why people are so afraid to die.

I am not afraid never have been that I can recall I am not lying
nor deceived just not satisfied with this life. Something doesn't
feel right inside me living here. I don't feel attached to this earth

I think that people who know how to love this life are very special
angels maybe. But not me anyway. Lulu understands life I can see it
in her photos in her words she inspires me to be happy to be alive
and I am so happy to have come across her, her spirit so alive and
beautiful colors follow her where ever she goes.

But me I feel so grey and drear sometimes I spot color
patches here and there. But nothing like other's do.

For me it doesn't come as easy but I guess that's just my
calling to be this whatever I am. But I know I am an unfinished
project we work on me everyday. It feels good to be rid of my
facebook for the time being to not be watched while I am not even there.
To think that there are opportunities that just opened because my time
has been freed I'll need something to fill those spaces and whatever
I enjoyed about facebook I will search in deeper levels maybe to be
quenched here and there. I just want so much more. I know it sounds like a small beginning
but to me the deactivation is nothing to overlook. I have had something like that
for years now and this change though may have taken minutes the understanding that I
do not need it anymore is a fulfilling one.

She was a little one who knew it from the beginning
she held her hand out to you always stronger than
what is expected.

You took it though you wished the tables were turned
that you could offer your hand to the one that was burned.
But instead she is shouldering you.

Oh Christmas you have saved me.

I was drowning...
But your bows and lights revived me from the depths of
no return.

Your holly and mistletoe steadied me when the earth was fumbling between
consciousness and despair.

I'll go with truth this Holiday Season.

I will travel with hope and find that it dangled on the end of a
rope dragging me along as if I couldn't really move on from
what haunted me. But then your smell of cookies and candy
canes brought me back to my senses.

Knocked me into the relentless..... love.

The morning came and drew me into its blossoming colors and frost.

I was overwhelmed with the goodness it offered me with two hands.
I gladly received of its goodies and jumped on in.

The sweetness of life has wrought me
to happiness, what was tough
has been made soft as snow.

what was ice is now twice as nice as before.

I am happy to be colored with bright reds and blues
I am glad to be held up by angel wings and
baby coos.

Let the light that is stand high in me
let all that is wonderful dance
before my eyes as I watch with surprise.
What lies ahead of me is good I can know this for sure
because I have been told happiness is my only cure
that love is what I was fed to be whole without dread.
No longer dead but alive... really alive.
I feel an inkling to revive what I lost
to kindle the pain with torture and shame.

But oh He would not have that

my hands were tired bound in bonds behind me.

And I was to watch as everything magically was replaced

and made new. Remember Mary Poppin's magically cleaning?

How everything went and found where they belonged?
Where order took place and you could just watch because the hope
in her heart was far too bright for any darkness to impale its

soft supple skin. Let it arise you surprise in you

define in you the person who can be all that you wish to be
and leave it at that not a thought about which way or what hat.
Just happiness bound to you being like light to the sky no matter midnight
or noon sun high in the sky.

Just raptured to delight one's hopes and dreams coming

into sight it all belongs to you.
You are loved it's true.

Fiery sunset

If you click on them they become larger :)
uploaded these for Khensa she was kind enough
to want to see them all. I added a few you haven't seen yet I
 thought blogger was the way to go with these since there
are so many hope you like them!

I feel a pull in my heart a tug at my hand pulling me towards the pain that you are enduring.
I want it to stop. I need it to stop. You don't deserve this. I want you free and happy
I want to see you smile. Please let me hold you. Let  the love from my heart pour
on to you, all over you. I see there is hope and I look for you to see it too.
Your crying, wounds my soul and I have no where else to go.

Please don't dissever the bond we share I know you can feel my heart beat
in your chest and it is beating to keep you alive and well but you are torn nix,
smashed. All I want is to hold you is there no help?


it seems this pain is endless there are no birds that bring a cheery song
 howbeit abandoned sounds that bounce in the seam ache and misery.

"Hold me" she shouts at the top of her lungs. Break of day isn't coming for them that
mourn, she can feel that in her bones. But the sun does rise notwithstanding a light that is grey and grim
and all the feelings that I have for you flicker and shimmer with radiant light
this grasp I have of you I will never let go of.

I need to write just to write

to express myself in ways nothing else can.

today was nice I got to be with my love for a little while
he had to work a double shift and came home in between.

I was taken somewhere else to take photos today and that was pleasant
there was fire involved, don't let me fool you into thinking it was nothing
other than a casual day with casual moments that I enjoyed. . . . casually :)

Edelweiss

She grew up young she had the world
at the tip of her tongue.

She didn't know a soul and they didn't know her
she had a friend at 0-5 and she held on to her
for dear life. She liked her, surely but slowly
the woman slipped away and her best friend
had to be left to decay...

She was young and brave and her parents were proud of her
Edelweiss was told she was very good and that her mother
was proud how brave she was, looking down at her
dress fiddling her fingers Edelweiss didn't smile nor frown
but said "Yes, I handled that well thank you, mother."


The other day I looked in the mirror and a scent
arose from the air it was the smell I knew at four I looked up to see
she, her, me at four my ageless youth happy to be and bring all that I was
all the magic and wonder she knew.

I yelled out to my lover "lover! The best thing just happened
I must tell you of it, you must know too the genuine truth!
I was four again, I am four again."
"you don't look four" replied he who I adore.
"oh, but I am look closer and see!"
 Her smile just then shown so large it could fill the whole sky
but right now it's just clouds and some stars that are up that high.
The moon is hidden she likes to hide, when I was a child I
 used to play hide and go seek with the moon, she followed me everywhere.
I used to wonder if she was just as attached to the other girls and
boys. Sometimes I still wonder.

"I'm just bitter, I'll get better over time"

It is remarkable..

I find that with each passing day there is more wonder in it then the previous...and this is all due to the fact that I wake up and throughout the day I am taught by Papa.


You see... some years ago now me and Him embarked on a journey
I was to go through many trials and tribulations and I was to knock off
the crusty, dirty, yuckyness that this person had begun carrying around..


That journey has taken me places that i am not sure anyone has seen,
even now I am blown away with even just memories of the past couple of
years which I actually have to stop and think about them or else the daily
adventures would hide the past like the first few plops of dirt to the pile
when you are digging a hole.


The blue sky I see out the windows as the sun begins to inch her way
above this region again warms my heart... One of the shades of blue remind me of
the feeling in being assured.. the other brings this grand excitement over me that I can hardly bear if I were outside seeing it wouldn't be right to stand still nor could I, the other colors you would
see if you happened to be filling the seat next to mine would fill you such harmony you would get the feeling of looking over a mountaintop and looking out and knowing that everything below
makes sense and you, yourself are going to be okay yes... harmony it would all come together and for this moment there would be no sirens outside your house no honking of horns or people yelling at each other, just the soft quietness of a child waking from their sleep feeling safe and warm just as any child should... this is why I love being awake as the sun comes up and this is why I love mornings.. I think they were given purpose when Father made them I think they were meant to rejuvenate your spirit.. But look what we have filled them with? and now we dread what was given for to enliven His children.. We have used it as a gateway to the horror of the rest of the busy day, but yet it was formed to be so sweet look at the way dew holds herself when morning comes? Sweet. Listen and hear the sound of bird chirping waking and warming to the thought of newness of life on the horizon. Stop and feel how the sunshine and the air wraps them selves around everything they come in contact with as they rise from their sleep.




It  is all really just magic and wonder that is what mornings are made of bright gorgeous wonder!
And because I am awake this morning I am blessed to have this special function of my heart/spirit come alive in me I know I am so special I was made to be special.. and I love how I am made of up a million or so apparatus... it's so cool to me
that I am a mechanism which supports so many pieces of Father differently than anyone else on the planet...just as you do, you lovely person you!




ahhh.......mmmmm... morning...


There is a birdie outdoors singing sweetly to me saying
"off to bed you sleepy head morning has come and mourning has gone
so sweet dreams to you, you need your rest so you can wake and
enjoy all the cake you can have fit in your belly..."

The tender heart is calling "Hey! listen"

It is hard for me to fully allow myself into the 'Holiday Spirit'
when I have all these amenities and you guys have....barely any.


And I don't know if I'll be there come the 24th or 25th
To disappoint you is something that I don't know I could
be okay with. I know you'd want me to...


I find that..
I am getting excited as I walk passed the decor and festive lights that promise
to bring smiles and glee..but I often stop myself for fear that I may forget to
mourn you. I know I mustn't mourn you but aren't I supposed to be aware?


My mindset is somewhere in between yours and his and then a splash
of my own confusing self. I know that truth is held on both ends and to take
sides would be to ignore truth and I don't want to ignore that.


So I've been walking this line and I've been giving up control
I just listen to you all speak and I wait to see if bells and whistles
ring from the inside of me where my spirit waits to be acknowledged.


And I try to discern what is right and what is folly and today
that means should I smile or hold back?




If you watched me.. and you could see through me
then you'd probably relate me to that of  watching
someone rotate the spark wheel of a lighter though
the lighter is low on fuel and tries to ignite except just
sends up fireworks instead. I spark here and there
trying to obtain the flame of happiness and the abundance
of freedom... And then I remember all the chaos that is my life
and with those thoughts I allow the fuel to be drained and
while I am this way I cannot ignite I am depleted. 




The worst of it all is I don't even know where I really want to be...
And I think that haunts me the most... Where is my heart?


I know I'll most likely end up where my heart is
so I am trying to listen to it, I am really am so I don't
hide behind someone or something else other than
the real cause which was my heart.
More often than not I use all the force I can muster up to go against the grain of my heart and I hardly ever listen to it speak its subtle words that actually
scream for all to hear if my mind weren't louder then the pained cries it lets out.


I hope to listen more closely to take the time to let it breathe
so many people want to hear my heart's true desire it would be
a shame to keep muffling her cry's

Aching for a change, a dramatic change

But everything is fine it is all going all right nothing needs improvement if I look closely (and I always do)
with an open heart I can see you, Father doing your work. I've witnessed the beauty right inside of my eyes, I've seen it captured the grace and the mercy. You are magnificent.

But I still feel this lurch from the inside out for change, who is asking for this change? Who are you?

I am calling you out "come out, come out, where ever you are!"

It's time for me to have an encounter face to face with this substance screaming and demanding my attention.
My tired eyes are being strengthened and I know all of this makes sense it does and must.

There is a time for everything I've witnessed time changing and overlapping I've been there and I am looking back at it in amazement and wonder. Sometimes I feel as if I wasted so much time and I possibly did though I am here now at the understanding of such and I can conquer this.

It's my choice and my life to have whatever I want in it I have some say over the things that happen
in the immediate instance and I was given that choice from love, so I might as well use it in love
and with the power of love.

I am happy and becoming even happier with everyday because as the days go by I am learning how to be that way, and also realizing the people around me love me, and they won't steal and take from me. They won't cheat or break my heart every second of everyday. The guards are coming down and the shields are being removed and I can fly my wings weren't clipped I was just in a cage. It took me awhile to realize that and it took me a minute to realize I hadn't clipped them myself, I wasn't the only perpetrator but I won't allow myself now that I have the knowledge to be put in another or the same cage. I often don't want to land I hadn't flown in so long... But I do land because I have to. But I am determining where home is and where the traps are set where I should land for rest and recouping and where I should flee from not to relish one more moment in flightless thoughts, harmful taunts.

I feel so young and jumbled but I am good because it's just the process it's not the end of the road nor the promised land.

I am IN LOVE!

With a girl named Lulu!
She is wonderfully spectacular!

Thanksgiving is on the morrow and I have all the world to be thankful for
life and life abundantly.

Last year near thanksgiving I was troubled deeply I had gone through a horrific event, in my mind it was and still haunts me. I fled the coop to a friend's house and stayed for a week her family swarmed me with love they had no idea what I had just been through they never asked questioned just welcomed me in.

They were the family I needed for that moment in time, my other family was abroad they were places unreachable.. And I know it was for a reason.. actually during that time I had to believe that it was
or I would never have survived that season in one piece. I just held onto hope
and the smiles that decided to pierce my heart with love.

Days before Thanksgiving I was heading to Florida by way of my first Greyhound bus trip with my
younger brother it was a very long trip for us but we made it through and came out on the other side better people albeit weary and never wanting to ride on a bus again.

I wore that same dress from the photo above on Thanksgiving day and gutted my first turkey.



I met an angel during a layover he talked about God after I asked if he needed prayer
he was waiting for me to ask that question.. And also waiting to tell me so much more.

On another layover a much longer one, Cruz and I met this lovely young woman who also knew Father
she was going to get married. Her life was a hectic mess that she wasn't really allowed to speak about, but she spoke to us. She is going to be okay I told her so and gave her brownies to make because we should always be celebrating she in return gave Cruz and I money for breakfast. We both gave unconditionally and got so much back. 

Photos of last thanksgiving taken with a mini camcorder (thanks Cassidy even though you didn't know I wasn't going to borrow.. it came in handy! (: )

I sneer at fear

Why must you try and trouble my poor heart?

I just want to break open freedom from fear like an ice pick to a fragile melting
glacier, hit it with all that I've got and let the cracks run through and through it.
Then let it burst open with glee and exhilaration. Bright and cold and fresh
pieces flying in delight and frightfulness gone replaced by the hope of life.

I am not sure

that anyone will ever love me the way I want to be loved.

So that leaves me to sit here & cope with that, there is a small loneliness always to be had the human race and the heart inside them cannot fill it even with all their efforts. I am unlovable in that way, I am unreachable, unattainable you cannot love a ghost.

"I am covered in skin 
No one gets to come in 
Pull me out from inside 
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding 
I am colorblind "

No one knows how to pull me out I am here my surroundings uninhabitable.

My tears they roll softly and maturely down my face I am practiced in this area the tears fall

and I look straight ahead stoic to the thought that you can move this mountain in me.

You're just a human, humans are too human to save another human in this respect at least I am not to be saved.

I feel the urge to write

and so I come here and nothing escapes me not in the way that I want it to.

I feel like an empty hole out off the side of the road somewhere passed the rails
that keep you straight and down below the terrain that no one ever visits anymore.
Sometimes when it rains the water that drips fills me up and washes the dirt edges
down to the middle I turn mushy and soft you could dig in me easily if you wanted for
in this moment I am just mud.

I wish I could be born right now start over leave the passive journey that was,
behind me and just start now left still with all that I gained from time here.

There are so many electric currents that run through this air these days miles and miles
worth of story that is told,  put on an endless infinite loop.

All things that are good rush and spin through me as if I am translucent
as if I am a spirit, malleable. As if that moment in Pocahontas when she sings the song
"The colors of the Wind" And the leaves rush around her in a circle they swirl about her
body. Good things they swirl about me now and all the bad it stiffens with the strike of good.
I stand as just a mere human hope is my only way to stay alive and I thrust my eyes on it
as the mouths and hearts of others speak clearly and more honest than I have ever heard uttered
or understood before.

I look out across this mountaintop and I breathe just breathe for the first time in a long time.

Each morning I wake up a little bit closer to you

And I smile that something might actually stick. I told you my fears and you told me not to fear them because if I lose you or not wouldn't I rather enjoy what time I do have with you? Do I want to choose possible pain over nothingness? yes, help me.

Realizing that what you thought was so difficult you only made that way by complicating it.

Realizing that half of what you thought was trash were gems but you have to learn to appreciate
and to not be so hard on yourself. But as your learning it's okay to go through those things because
what you lost and didn't know you were losing only pushed you to higher places, places easier to breathe
and now you can look back and be disappointed or pleased. I will be pleased. Excited. Exhilarated.
Ready and waiting.

What do I really mean?

Sometimes I am such a mystery even to myself I have so many complicated layers

I even have layers in my layers. Anyone remember that part in Shrek? "YOU'RE AN ONION"

I am getting there finding my stride as my mother would say.

I feel much more myself than I ever have before I say that then remember when I was five and younger

and I remember bliss to myself at least. The battle to know who I was and the choices were easier

I was still human though.

I am still human though and a complicated one at that.

But I am recognizing these things now.

I have a little room to grow I have a little sun I am growing towards.

I feel like an enigma. I don't like it.

But I like myself more than I ever have before the capabilities I am seeing in myself the things I see myself doing. I know what I can be and what I am. Before I had no idea what I could be or give but that was all a part of the process.

I know how to heal someone and I know how to just be.

And that's why I like myself.

Because I have eyes to see and ears to hear and a heart and hands and able body

to accomplish good.

Of course I can look at myself (and I do, especially at night.. especially in the quiet.)

And see the mistakes and the moments I wish to change or take back. I look at certain of

those moments and wonder who was in control at those times. I feel mislead. but that's okay.

I wasn't coming back the same person this time.

I came back more gentle and a lot more compassionate sweet and revealing of my heart.

I am not willing anymore to let pain consume precious moments in my life she had her go
but pain sooner or later becomes a choice. And I am kicking her out of my life she needs to go
go. go. go.

Every argument that has valuable issues to be dealt with can be dealt with
but as we resolve it there will be not be friction like there was before.
There will be openness and forgiveness and I will let you in,  I will.

sick

uhg, I am sick.

Takeo became sick and had to be off work for two and half days luckily those days were near the weekend.

However now I believe I've caught what he has(d)
he is on the mend now but still coughing often.

I feel absolutely awful my body weak and my brain feels bruised I get nausea here and there
however tonight I was able to eat more solid food.

I do feel better than I did this morning oh that was not good
so I hope I am getting better since we are leaving tomorrow night.
Takeo says that I will be and I am trying to trust in that word and remain
aware of it.

I hate the long drive but I will survive especially if I am feeling better I will just be happy to not be sick anymore.

I am enjoying my new hair every passing day it is nice to be free of the hassle that my damaged hair became on top of that the feeling of removing all the reasons for the damage is remarkable and I enjoy it more and more.

We should not and cannot limit ourselves to anything.

That would be limiting ourselves to life I see so many open doors these days
so many fresh ideas and hope, I wonder where they have been for so long,

And I remember that people stifle themselves by playing the look-a-like game
by doing what the crowd has already done and then pretending to break out
of the norm but they do it because that's what everyone else is already doing.

But, I see a huge bronze door creaking open I hear the
whir of the wind behind that door
there is life that is seeping through and I am pushing forward
opening it with all the weight of my
body, and the strength of my limbs.
The will of my heart is the power to withstand all that comes at me
and it is weak, but in that Jesus is strong.


I am learning to not be jealous ..
" that you need to stop comparing yourself to other people. Some people are great singers, some are really smart and others are great athletes. But none of them are, or ever could be you. You are one of a kind. So stop comparing yourself to other people. You can't be them any more than they can be you."

I need to learn this.

To let go of all the pain that is inside of me.
I don't want to let this insecurity out especially on an online blog somewhere that I cannot rip in to a million pieces for no one to find and or ever read but I think this is a must this is where it needs to be this time it requires to be permanent.

I need to let Takeo love me like he says that he does I need to believe him when he says he'll love me forever and that he is different. He doesn't look at other girls he says there are no other girls and I try
then  I look around and I see every other guy coveting the flesh of another girl
other than their significant other.

I see men in relationships stare other girls down while they are at dinner with their girlfriends or wives maybe just a date, but it all still means the same thing no matter where you are at in the relationship.

And it pains me there is an ache that never really leaves just hidden somewhere in between present chaos the pressing matters that need to be dealt with in the now all the pain has to be buried deep until I cry at night and yelp out for pains sake.

It is hard for me to believe that I am in the only girl in the world like he says
who could really believe that? I've never seen that kind of love before the kind
that says "I only have eyes for you" and means it.


Especially when I am head over heels in love with him and he could truly hurt me if I let him.
It takes trust to get hurt and it takes letting go to be burned.
And it takes all that to truly love the person you are with it takes all of the
open doors to pain to truly feel love.

My grip loosens and my feet are slowing leaving the ground they've been on so very long.
And I guess that's why I can finally write about it because I am overcoming.

The closer I get the more I lose my breath sometimes when the thought of pain rushes in out of nowhere, like feral waves burning mad. And I have to fight it I have no other choice of course I am tempted to run it's all I've known for ages. But when he tells me there is another way and holds me sweetly as I cry and he has no idea why. I know there is another way and I will fight for it as I fight for gaining my life back from the dead I will fight for this love I was given as well. I will be not be silenced nor will I drown in depression or thoughts of what if's or could be's. I cannot and will not be left behind to myself.

You left the house lights on

it would be hard for me to go back to just writing with a pen and paper now...

But I needed a new start a place that's fresh and has no split or dead ends, I am not the person that I once was and I don't need the connections to them either.

I feel good.. I feel better with it this way.

However the vast expanse in front of my has me wobbling to and fro I use effort to keep my balance
and I notice the daily strains as I let go of the dead weight that I was carrying. The release of that pressure
has me excited for the normal aches and pains of everyday life that I never knew I could have.. How funny is it of me to say that people take advantage of those things?

Not that funny.

I feel good to detach myself away from him and finally let go of guilt and worry that I shouldn't have to carry, there is a time before the age of accountability and I was there among that time and he was passed it very aware, knowing what he would be held accountable for.

So you better stand up and state your case in honesty, it is time and I stand underneath the bow
of security, cringing... But okay and looking onward.

I am here now and when I see the lights aglow behind the windows of houses that I stroll by at night or twilight it scares me, at one time it excited me and filled me with pure joy that there were people afloat
and lives were taking place, and I was so close to them I was part of their fate of their world even though they did not know.

But now I see it and it is like the ghost of Christmas past that haunts me I want to run and divide to find a place, a Palace far off from glowing windowsills away from partaking in the lives of those so near.

We underestimate the youth in ways that are haunting and terrifying.

And so the morning starts

it is 6:32 AM

I am wide awake... I guess well at least I don't feel like sleeping is that wide awake enough?
I hate going to a lonely bed.. I know others have it worse but that lonely bed frightens me.
Maybe the idea of rest still shakes me up subconsciously... okay consciously too just not as often, anymore.

Takeo just came and checked on me I am in the dark living room with the light of the laptop illuminating
my face and hands. He just wanted to see if I was okay and surprisingly tonight, I am okay.

The birds are just now chirping they've woken up and I've yet to sleep,
what a silly little one I am.

Sometimes when I stay awake this late I imagine what it would be like if I were the kind of person who
woke up at such a time as this. I imagine a life wrapped up in that morning and I yearn for the softness
of that person of the simplicity that says "Awake the light has come back, it must mean we've done something
right we've kept it shining still, lets try again today."

I look out at that life through these windows I call eyes and the scenery is made up of
frost this morning and a cup of tea or coffee in my hand, as I curl up on some edge outside
soaking in the fresh sunshine. My smile is soft and aglow and the warmth in my heart reflects
the sun rays that keep me from shuddering from the frosty winter weather making it's way
back to us for a little while.

It's not that I am not happy with the way things are now it seems that this schedule has been inevitable
the past couple of years in my life, and that  is okay because there is certainly a time set in place
for everything under the sun.

And I am under it and in Him too.

I hear this clock ticking beside me it is incessant and relentless but it does what it does
and we all follow suite. However I feel as though I am in the wrong country for the time
frame I sleep and wake in.

Will I ride my bike tomorrow? Will I muster the strength it takes to push myself that step forward?

I hope. and if not that then paint begin priming Wayne's kitchen and bathroom... I am very excited and nervous but mostly excited and trusting.

Where can I end these words so I can feel satisfied enough to sleep without them pestering me?

My thoughts are not my thoughts when now I lay me down to sleep.

My thoughts are not my thoughts when in comes the doubt and second guessing.

My thoughts are my thoughts when sharpened and pressed for all the good things.

"For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."


those are my thoughts that's what I am.


Now somehow I will be that honestly and completely, right?

This was written on a plain white piece of paper with a blue pen

Today, I feel at ease I can smell and taste this change in me and I'll never be able to explain

what it is I went through to anyone unless they've also gone through it too. But these thoughts are alien to this world, to these people... to my even myself.

A puzzle, I wish I weren't so complicated I can feel ceilings lifting and when they do healing is taking place. And that takes time and time is something I am trapped in at the moment. Time is the ultimate prison.

Christmas music has already started.. And you know what? I love it.

Today was gentle so much more gentle than what was expected.

The sweetness in that young boy's demeanor eases all my qualms.

And his face brightens the future because of the childlike hope that

filters through the air in proximity with him.

He held on to my toes as he slept. His dreams they seemed violent and he held

on. He is so strong and I need to hold on to my Father's toes. Not even tight

he didn't squeeze, yet just firm enough to not fall away, what he wanted was the touch of

comfort.

I remember what that quote said 

it is no small thing when those so fresh from heaven love us.

that being said those so fresh from heaven can teach us so much.

I am glad that I was there today.

One of my favorite beauties is the wind and lives in the wind the gentle eloquence.

What is so good feeling about pen and paper? It feels so delightful.

I will find this world I seek make no mistake about it and when I do I will soak, soak, soak it up with Takeo.

My Takeo.

How do I have him? How could I not? It seems Father is without flaw. Takeo is just what I need/needed and he was given to me he is my gift. The gift I get to keep for the rest of my life.

Where I would be if he hadn't shown up at my doorstep holding a puppy.

I shutter to think about the road I was headed down but he swept in and

stood firm never wavered not even when I pushed with all my might.

He was the balance of my world I had no equilibrium and he came in

and steadied my trembling, without question he loved me and still does.

My thoughts are horrid at night sleep seems impossible without company.

But Mercy{joy} comes in the morning and I rest at ease in comfort.

I sleep my days away probably preventing greater tragedy from striking.

The sun warms my skin and heart and I sit silently in clutter and signs of depression

my spirit rejoices and weeps as my path heals the ground and earth beneath me.

I will never take that lightly.

My name is Heal Heart, I was custom made to love.

the harvest moon

it seems it all can start with the most simple of things.

Launching us into destiny set forth to this road .

Purple is an excellent color one I am draped in
tonight.

I am clean I have a fresh good feeling in my heart.

I am infused with fear whenever I am presented with fresh freedom,
and I just get through it. Sometimes we have to grow up to really
utilize our freedom. Sometimes better days are brought you by way
of growth.

What you don't know cannot hurt you.
Sure if you don't apply that as a blanket precept for life.

Questioning is not always a bad thing.

Everything comes in layers and waves and not accepting something for just what it is
can be very useful.

Again, with saying that there is no blanket way of life.

Other than love but love will take you for rides that you don't understand.
But that doesn't mean you are going the wrong way, because everything isn't
working out in the easiest form, or even sometimes the hardest you could imagine.

But the hardest you can imagine is definitely not the hardest it can be.


God can stretch your understanding if you let Him but it definitely means
you'll go through things. The word stretch kind of entails a lot.
Stretching is being stretched...

It is not just something you use as poetry and a romantic conversation piece
about, Father.
If you want it to be real then it's going to be absolute and you'll go through it
but try and remember that you wanted it that you asked for it.

At the times when it feels the most visionary but of course the most ethereal
because I am at a place of capability. I was once desperate for it and maybe it's
not more visionary but yet, more comfortable.

Is when the times does come and is here.

My list is drawn upon my heart set deep in the levels of desire, satisfyingly
without the urgency of need. I do not lack. My thirst is quenched and
my hunger does not exist. I do not need to eat of the tree of knowledge
but of the tree of life and life is continual, hunger is unheard of here
in perfection.