Promises

I heard your voice from a distance and I only felt an inkling of resistance. To the sound of a ghost who occupies my mind.

The waves of you and I flow as a frequency, a steady light I twirl
in the hope of returning.

Depletion.

I feel a draught running over the hard edges of my parched tongue
longing for the essence of who you are.

You are a lighthouse.

Jesus Christ.

You are soft and gentle

                                                           Like the breeze from an ocean.

You roll over me as a bird skirting

the tops of trees with her body.

You are a wave that crashes upon the land

on high tide.

And I miss you when I see pretty things alone.

Why are you not here with me

                                                to guide me into the unquestionable future?

I look for you as I come across the land

patched with sunshine through the leaves and branches.

                                                     In awe I wish to see you there with me.

But I must jump with my eyes wide open instead of shut.

I must take the leap that I know I can land

without hurting or falling too far.

This is a slow process but one of sweet honeysuckle

and memories that link us together like wild fern growing

                                                           through out the wooded grove.

Oh my sweet, the sun is shining the heat is heavy.

But I can shoulder it for now.

I must learn to pace myself.

Teaching myself lessons that are rewarding.

Sleepless nights go on into the morning

the night fades into to the sun as if it never happened.

And I begin to dis-remember as everything shifts into the light.

The open wounds lay agape on their backs

their hopes unsealed aiming toward the healing sun.

Where are you?

Why don't you come?

A piece of me

You want a piece of me do ya?
You want to take a dig out of my flesh with that caustic remark?

Too bad.

Yeah, I was hurt by it and it threw me for a moment
but I am tired of people looking down on others.

For whatever reason that they choose
whether it be to feel better about themselves
or just they are that hollow.

You won't do it anymore I won't allow you to.



Every chance I have I'll stop you
I'll tear you apart with my very own teeth.
You will be defeated while in my presence
spirit of haughtiness, you are going down.

And the people that are haunted by you will be freed
from your reigns every chance I get.

I will smile and laugh at your defeat
I am no longer fearful of your opinion
I am however ready to cease you.

The ones that are your slaves they won't know what is coming
when I tear you to the floor with grace and fluidity.

I am a queen, a princess, a fearsome creature
a force to be reckoned with.

Beware.

I've so long sought for my niche'

I've so long tried on things and taken them off finding they don't quite fit me.

So many ill-fittings in this world there is not often something that suits me--
nothing just right for me. It saddens me quite often that I don't know how to share who I am
through what the world offers to me.  It is a task that is ongoing and tiring but one that
I cannot quit.
There is a drive inside me that longs to discover pieces of me here on this planet.
A passion to express myself in ways that I feel are perfect and fulfilling.

It will continue until I travel onward to a new world, to a place I don't remember
just right now. But I know that is where I once came from.

Music is hard for me to love -- all the time.
I can never find something that lasts that I love forever.
Everyone is able to relate to music everyone is able
to find themselves in it. But for me... I have to continue
searching for newness in it. Opening doors that have yet to be
flung wide.



I find that so much of myself shifts and moves there is a current
that it flows with and that current is continuous. I guess I must learn
the currents of myself to truly discover where I may find ways to
enlighten the world with what that I am.

And I mustn't  be frightened as to where those currents will take me
I must look with brave, accepting and ambitious eyes on the things that
I am. Or else I might lose them in the muddled confusion of shame.

Hey...

It has been a little while now hasn't it?

Well I have had some time to spend away from writing sometimes I need that time
sometimes I have to let all the words bounce back and forth around my heart
and let them bottle up..

Oh, so not a lot has changed I feel that progress has been made though
but looking from the outside in you'd think we were standing still.

What is it that I came here to say? Sometimes I feel that my way with words
has been crippled and beaten to the point of no return.. I don't feel the fluency
I once felt a long time ago. But I guess you could say I do feel more aware of
what I am speaking instead of just writing to release something.. Maybe
that is the issue I am oh so very aware.


I feel that I need an outlet to express myself I've come to a point where
I need something.. I need to learn how to do something so I can learn
how to express who I am through some form of art or release.. Just
casually sitting around in this world isn't enough for me to get by on.

I need more.

So I am looking to learn I am not sure what yet
eventually all the things I want to learn I hope
someday I will have. But where to start?
I want to learn guitar and I want to learn piano
I want to learn to sew to sew in a way that is more than
what I already know. I did teach myself so my world is a little
limited in that respect.. I want to learn to paint, to draw and to create.

Someone please help me do these things.. I need it.. I need them
to survive. I feel the days of ahead of me warning that I should
find an outlet soon.. I am going to need it.

The candles burning to the right of me are beautiful and smell wonderful
they are so expressive in the way that they fume with their light and
they feel so ... alive.

I want to feel that I want to feel connected to some kind of flame
some kind of something inside of me that is able to be shown the path outward
with delight and a little bit of beauty here and there.

Oh someone please help this path along.

My camera is broken for the time being so I've had that taken away from me
I have no outlet.. I could draw and paint but I really don't know exactly how..
I do these things but with no skill... I can draw things and they resemble what I
sought them to.. but I want it to just flow out of me instead of having to figure out
the way... I want to feel fluid and free and feel the harmony of creation coming off of me.

I need these things... I need them soon.

Something to take hold of

I really wish that there was something that I could grab a hold of

right now it seems that I am in an ocean of confusion

I am not rooted to anything just floating about in the big

blue and grey water traveling only because the current

takes me where it wishes.. other wise I feel that I would

stand still with no current (time, people, thoughts, occurrences , life, everyday)

moving me along forcing me this way and that I feel as if I am a drifter.

No home. No Branches. Just me.

Not always do I feel so discomforted

sometimes I catch my breath but

but most of the time it is like this.

I am just ready to catch a break.

Be released of this pain that encumbers me.

I resist and fight but there is a retort

an evil laugh that sounds like disgruntled

horrified coyotes in the distance that

grow nearer as I try in spite of it all

to push on to find footing and bearings.

I wish it would end I wish all of this would stop.

Please let me be free of the torment..

Just let me be.

Bedlam

Clamor.
Turmoil.


The ability to keep a hold on my brain and thoughts during
certain times of the day is like trying to hold on to water
it wobbles around falls through my hands as I try to retain them.

Anger.
Resentment.
Hurt.
Pain.

As everything starts to look alright for once
I am targeted for attack, the inclination of air
becomes absurd being that the reach for oxygen
is one unstable and ill-mannered. It is out of my clutches
in such a way that is disgusting as I gasp for breath
void is inherited in return but I settle in again longing
for the sunny side knowing that it has to be out there somewhere.
Daybreak will prevail it is my only hope.

what happened?

I guess I don't have to react like I once did.
I'm told that I have to like myself... everyday I try.

I cannot see what to like or even love.

I've despised all my decisions for so long I feel like a corpse walking around.
How do I handle feeling this way? You get so upset when you see how I truly feel
about myself I try to hide it some, but I don't want to lie.





I've hated who I was why I couldn't be someone more caring or special or sweet.


I do know that I have something to offer... but the price of that offer seems
not worth what I have inside.


and I know that none of my hatred for myself is true all the reasons are
not valid.. because everyone is special... everyone is worth it.
I know that in my heart .. I was told this and it settled in and nestled
where things you're told ring true and it'll stay there.. forever..
But somehow it hasn't seemed to overcome the thoughts of
vial towards me... Why those thoughts are there I do not know
but they've been there always... but I usually smile through it all.

But you noticed... you noticed my pain and won't relent until
I am whole... you are the only one who has ever been dedicated
to me in this way.  The way you see exactly what I need I've never
experienced such a thing; and to want to bring the resource
to fulfill that need, constantly.  It's unreal. Makes me hate myself more for
for being able to have you.. what reason is this that I get you?
Sure I sacrificed everything I had...but it seems so empty, especially
when I start to think about those who don't have resource to be able to give anyway
it is stripped from them...pain preceded birth even before their feet touched the ground
hunger was an abhorrent thing already swirling about you...watching videos of people traveling to Liberia..
and Congo... to those dark desolate places... peering into the lives of
adolescent cocaine addicts, prostitutes who are beaten.. people raised
in hatred only to know violence, infectious disease and AIDS surrounding,
no escape..they have no toilets but a beach to relieve themselves on.
Wars where they open the backs of innocent children and remove the heart
divide it into pieces amongst the young warriors...those who drink
the blood of a small child... who eat human flesh nibble on the bones.
That is what they know... what they are raised on.. The evil spirits that lurk within..
Isn't it strange that witch doctors seem to be everywhere... I think it is odd.
It's just proof.. the spirit of evil is present.. witch craft voodoo... pain.. fear
it's all there...




well....every time I see something like that I think to myself about the things we
complain about from day to day... how trivial.. how many people would desire
to complain about these small certain things we let run our lives.... people would give
anything to be able to "complain" of those things... Even a bad childhood a mother who was
less tentative then we would have liked... a Father who is self-centered who takes off
with a SUV full of household items without word.... They do not compare to the things
I saw from afar on that computer screen, but yet they are relevant they dictate our lives and
relationships... We the human race so fragile and perfect in our little bodies.

We suffer. All of us. United in something we are.







 

can I be honest with you?

I am afraid of change.
I mean it's strange for me to say this since that's what I do
the only thing that is consistent in my life is well.. change.
So for it to happen so often yet I still have the breath knocked out
of me every time I feel the winds of change coming is kind of ridiculous.

But it happens... and I just needed to say it to something..
saying it having it out there helps me regain air and a steady
pace of breath to suck on as I process what comes next.

As I become readied for the next adventure ahead of me

You can only try

You can only try and wait and see you can only hope and stop yourself from
focusing on the bad. I often find that if something good is going to happen or happening
I will begin to swirl about in all the bad that could potentially arouse and take from me.
I lived this way for awhile now and just now am I breaking the cycle, just now are the heavy
chains falling off my feet as I walk away light my wings flutter in delight for they haven't twitched
in quite some time. I can escape from this realm the realm of disappointment and fear.

The passive life I've lead for so long will fall off me like an old garment no longer needed.
Ahh yes you can only try or you can only not try this time these times I want to stick my neck out
there I want to taste life and adventure I want for things to go bad and for me to say that it's okay
to be glad to just feel and to know I can carry on that I am human and us humans are capable of so much
more then fear. I am capable of persevering I am capable of sadness and the greatest joys.
I am an intentional piece of the puzzle no I am not an superfluous piece to cover the grey areas
I am so much more than that and it is time that I lived up to the Special uniqueness of who that I am.


So then I can finally rest finally be settled in I can feel the nook of your arms as I lay and sway in the them.
I am comforted here as I rest with your hands draped over the nape of my neck like a warm cloth soothing my temper and holding me still. You fed sweet delights to me so that I would inch closer to your palm as you pet and stroked my mane I ate and gobbled it up delicious and yummy in my mouth the best food I'd ever tasted. I would flinch at a move too quick paced, but I always came back asking for more Turkish delight to chew upon and that's when you scooped me up I tried to flee I let out a bellow but you never let go just pulled me close
away from the blowing wind and again had your angels hold out their loving touch to me as you held and loved me so. And I frightened still wept so you began to sing your sweet coos to me and that's when I began to listen and notice and see, you are the sweetest most delectable Father that ever could be.

cut the length off

it is a year of new beginnings a place where happiness stems with the fruit of life
springing up.

I am going to do it all the things that once bound me to fear, resentment, hatred and pain
they are the things that tangle my hair. They abuse my soft thick locks and turn them into
thin breakable straw. But no more I won't have it this way and I won't wait for it either
I am ready for the newness of life to spring up in me the seed of heaven that abides in the
pit of my stomach will sprout and  I will sow and reap without the tangles and weeds to worry about.
But the freedom of newness and the knowledge the length will return IN FULL no bout a doubt it my friends.

That my princess hair will come back to me stronger than ever and thick as rope that was a means of path for
the masked man to chase his princess up the cliffs of insanity with. My hair will be that useful and strong full of honor and resourcefulness. 

The aching heartcry

Hello my lovely ones, hi to you. I hope you are well that things are alright with you.
I hope you can now find yourself able to smile at the things to come with a beautiful glow
fresh snowflakes in your hair.
Please take care for I will love you always.
What causes your heartache beats the same with me.

Two separate lives two different places to be and yet I still feel you as if you
were sitting right next to me.

There is a vision that persistently flickers before me it catches my breath
this is not where the sidewalk ends. Her name is hope and hope for the future

"do what I say and I'll make you okay and drive them away
the images stuck in your head

people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still"

So it goes like this and I find that my thoughts are fleeting

They are like sand through a sieve running through and through
but occasionally they are too large to fit through the tiny holes where
all the rest flee to who become immersed and unattainable, fallen into deep dispossession
gone. But the thoughts the revelations too monumental to squeeze through as the rest do
they shake me and wake me up with a start. An unapologetic start that has me stand
straight up and remember who I am who I was before amnesia hit with the blow of forgetfulness.

They are my cornerstones that my heart has been set around they are where
I run to as I grow and leave the minuscule behind. When you grow you need
new things that fit you accordingly if you've grown and your body is hidden by
ill-fit clothes and shoes your figure will not shine to it's full capacity. There comes a time
where you must let go, throw out the old, not only unessential but also impeding
favorite things and begin again to learn who you are with new eyes, hands and feet.
You've reached a place where more can be added unto you.. because you've allowed it to be so.

Some hold themselves back wishing not to move forward but to run in circles and enjoy

the vapid well worn-in path to quit overcoming the obstacles of the high calling.

It's funny that we call it the higher calling I am sure most often it's a confusing title
for those who have not yet tasted the sweet and succulent honey like Love of His.

To watch as Christ took to the those High places and was tested and tried everyday

until at last with a finale he was crucified.. Ahh yes.. the higher calling.

When people look at my family; homeless, they don't understand how it could

be good. But then they look further into our eyes and ask themselves
"how are they happy? What do they have that we do not?"

People tell us to be like them. They say "
Have a house, by your own two hands work for it with all your life, die for it and in it too.
For their own comfort they ask that of us never asking if we are happy here.

I am puzzled by those suggestions.
 I look across the nation and I see you, yes you... bankrupt, foreclosure on the way with empty pockets and stomach's to boot. And you say to me "join us... we've got something special that you don't".. as you smile your destitute smile and relay to me once again what comforts, Father wants us to have... "He wants you to take this part into your own hands." And I know it's just because you love us and want us to have and be comforted, but that isn't where I get my hope from.

Your hands are empty and mine... they are swollen with goodness. No, I am not without troubles but yet I have them everyday the world turning on us at every moment those closest inching away with a "that's all I can do for you"  And you tell me what I need when you don't have anything to give. 

Okay so, I know that's the way it's been done for a very long time now

but it is not by any means the only way. And just because you are comfortable there

doesn't mean that's where I should be. Just because "they" tell us to "or else" they say with a smug sneer. You pave a road and expect me to walk down it the way you've done it over and over again but you're aren't happy and you don't by any means have it figured out. What you are offering to me is less then what I have. Because though we've been with no steady income for years now.. we've never been hungry once. I asked Father for bread and ten minutes later a woman knocked on the door handed me a wordless loaf and turned around and walked away.

How can you say that I need more then Him? When especially with what He's been promising, better more.. and most of all HIM. But you don't believe it you don't think it's possible that He would do that or even could and why us? Maybe, just maybe because we declined your way and asked for His. That's what we want. That's all we want to have. Anything else is not fitting, it falls off my shoulders or squeezes my insides from the tightness it asks of me. And I say no that's not what I want, your offers are sweet and kind.. sometimes horrid and harsh and still I say no.
Years go by and I know the promised land isn't far from here, we've gone though to the other side and I am happy here. I see the lakes and oceans full of water and bliss and I feel it in my bones that it'll all be okay.

I don't want your world.
I don't want what you've built.

The Wise and Foolish Builders Matthew 7:24-29

24“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

28When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, 29because he taught as one who had authority, and not as their teachers of the law."

I want what He said in soft tones and whispers in my ear that had shivers of delight rolling down my spine because of the nearness of his breath that smelled of warmth and honey-like tea, the secrecy of my Bridegroom's lips . The whispers He spoke were this