I guess I don't have to react like I once did.
I'm told that I have to like myself... everyday I try.
I cannot see what to like or even love.
I've despised all my decisions for so long I feel like a corpse walking around.
How do I handle feeling this way? You get so upset when you see how I truly feel
about myself I try to hide it some, but I don't want to lie.
I've hated who I was why I couldn't be someone more caring or special or sweet.
I do know that I have something to offer... but the price of that offer seems
not worth what I have inside.
and I know that none of my hatred for myself is true all the reasons are
not valid.. because everyone is special... everyone is worth it.
I know that in my heart .. I was told this and it settled in and nestled
where things you're told ring true and it'll stay there.. forever..
But somehow it hasn't seemed to overcome the thoughts of
vial towards me... Why those thoughts are there I do not know
but they've been there always... but I usually smile through it all.
But you noticed... you noticed my pain and won't relent until
I am whole... you are the only one who has ever been dedicated
to me in this way. The way you see exactly what I need I've never
experienced such a thing; and to want to bring the resource
to fulfill that need, constantly. It's unreal. Makes me hate myself more for
for being able to have you.. what reason is this that I get you?
Sure I sacrificed everything I had...but it seems so empty, especially
when I start to think about those who don't have resource to be able to give anyway
it is stripped from them...pain preceded birth even before their feet touched the ground
hunger was an abhorrent thing already swirling about you...watching videos of people traveling to Liberia..
and Congo... to those dark desolate places... peering into the lives of
adolescent cocaine addicts, prostitutes who are beaten.. people raised
in hatred only to know violence, infectious disease and AIDS surrounding,
no escape..they have no toilets but a beach to relieve themselves on.
Wars where they open the backs of innocent children and remove the heart
divide it into pieces amongst the young warriors...those who drink
the blood of a small child... who eat human flesh nibble on the bones.
That is what they know... what they are raised on.. The evil spirits that lurk within..
Isn't it strange that witch doctors seem to be everywhere... I think it is odd.
It's just proof.. the spirit of evil is present.. witch craft voodoo... pain.. fear
it's all there...
well....every time I see something like that I think to myself about the things we
complain about from day to day... how trivial.. how many people would desire
to complain about these small certain things we let run our lives.... people would give
anything to be able to "complain" of those things... Even a bad childhood a mother who was
less tentative then we would have liked... a Father who is self-centered who takes off
with a SUV full of household items without word.... They do not compare to the things
I saw from afar on that computer screen, but yet they are relevant they dictate our lives and
relationships... We the human race so fragile and perfect in our little bodies.
We suffer. All of us. United in something we are.
oh my sweet girl, I completely feel this <3
ReplyDeletesometimes life for me is like a summer dress, and sometimes it hangs so heavy I can barely move and I just want to cry and sleep under the immense weight of it
I know in my heart, that my anger, disappointment, regret and shame aren't truly directed at me, but at the forces of cruelty and evil that touched my life too, as they touch everyones.
For a long time I've been very bitter with myself that I wasn't able to avoid them better. That I never saw the shots coming until they were already lodged deep in my soul. I don't do well with being wounded my sweet, I feel awful ashamed of myself every time I'm sad or lonely or selfish and instead of going to spend time with our great Love, I wallow in it.
There are so many broken pieces in such a small heart! It doesn't seem fair to me that I can't have always done the right thing. That I didn't always help someone who needed it, that I didn't know how to say no when it needed to be said. With all of my being, I long to do good, but as dear King David said, for some reason I do not always do it.
Last night I stayed awake until 6 am in the throes of a very dark night of the soul. For a short and sufferful time, I wondered what the point of all this was and whether it was any good to even try at it anymore.
But in spite of all this bad, all this evil, in spite of what I've lost and all these feelings that are more than just "hurt", there is stronger than all of the wrong, a gorgeous Right that settles over me when I'm lost and feeling heavy.
People wound each other in ways too grotesque for words. We've become cold animals, seeking security wherever it seems to offer itself to us, and I've been one of them.
But people are also warm, enchanting, beautiful, creative, Heavenly things. They grow flowers and love animals, paints and good things to eat. They comfort each other when things go terribly wrong, as they always inevitably do.
I always think of Sam and Frodo in the Lord of the Rings. Have you seen that movie my love? I think it's in The Two Towers. Frodo has given up all of his hope and is ready to succumb to the hideous war and terror around him and Sam doesn't let him. Frodo asks him what the point of going on is, and Sam answers
"Because there's some good left in this world Mr Frodo. And it's worth fighting for"
<3 <3 <3 That's how I remind myself, when everything gets grey and dark and painful. That there's more light than there is dark. And it's worth fighting through the shadows to get into the sunshine. <3 <3 <3
I love youuuu my beautiful Kels <3 xoxoxoxox
Oh Lulu...
DeleteWhere to begin in reply to such a thing as you've written?
I guess anywhere is as good of a place as any.. So I'll start.... I cannot thank you enough.. thank you that you exist that you are alive... that such a soul as your floats about the earth and heals it with her footsteps.
Knowing that has been such a major uplift to my heart but then here you are understanding me in full I've never had that before, never in my life have I been able to connect the dots with another person. Sure the pieces fit here and there as all humans have things in common with each other... But the deeper levels of my heart were always far off from others. Even as a child I searched for it.
But now I have a real friend. A real Lulu gal who is the cutest thing in the whole world someone who's got my back 'cause you've been there before.
I love you my wonderful Lulu more than all the letters in all the words in all the books in all the world. <3