It doesn't seem fair "she says stomping her feet"

Why when you get older do the people around you stop trying to make life shine as they do when you are a child? Going out of their way to get the toy you want or handing you a red balloon.

Why don't people do that anymore?
It seems that they think once you're tall you just don't enjoy simple happiness anymore.
Parents aren't allowed to have Christmas for them when they have children. You don't
go out and buy them an ice cream cone. Do we really feel that we must go out of
our way to make children happy because once you grow up life is just.. empty?
That we've got to make sure we fill them up with enough good to last
through their lifespan because once you grow up... then there is only hope that
your survive... I mean I want people to treat children right, and to adore them
and love them.. And most of all raise them up in the way they should go


Because it doesn't have to be that way.. it doesn't have to be so!
But we allow that cycle and I am not sure why we do!

The goodness of life as we know it isn't supposed to come to an abrupt
halt.. But teenagers want to be old.. why? What is the formula that makes
us desire growth?

Why cannot we give and receive like years ago when I was young?
I could see things more clearly with my unclouded mind and I think
I am coming back to that.. I remember when I began to lose
sight that others matter more than yourself should, others
come first... or even  come at all. .. we forget that parents
are people.. and they have wishes and dreams
kooky cute personalities that need to be recognized just like the youth's.
I remember when as I grew it drifted from me until I found Father
and he showed me that life was entirely different then whatever it was I was
doing.

But we forget... we forgot that they have things inside of them too
that need to be loved and held dear. We all need to be adored and
recognized as special.. and well, ALIVE... we are all human no matter
what age, age is irrelevant..  No wonder people die before even their
bodies do.. What is the point of being alive when everything good
and all the wonder is stripped from you? Leaving you an empty kind
of naked that is cold no matter how many layers of blankets of time
have been spread out on you.

Anyway.. my mind went in to overflow and I needed somewhere to put the stuff that ranneth over.
Thanks for listening...

:)

An Abundance of Photos.

Strength.

The hair on the back of my neck stands on end as I force my way through
the crowd of pain and turmoil.


There is only hope that I can cling to nothing else that makes this life worth living.
Why else do we hold on so tightly? I watched a documentary about a man who is
afraid to die and believes everyone who thinks otherwise is lying or deceived.

I wonder to myself why people are so afraid to die.

I am not afraid never have been that I can recall I am not lying
nor deceived just not satisfied with this life. Something doesn't
feel right inside me living here. I don't feel attached to this earth

I think that people who know how to love this life are very special
angels maybe. But not me anyway. Lulu understands life I can see it
in her photos in her words she inspires me to be happy to be alive
and I am so happy to have come across her, her spirit so alive and
beautiful colors follow her where ever she goes.

But me I feel so grey and drear sometimes I spot color
patches here and there. But nothing like other's do.

For me it doesn't come as easy but I guess that's just my
calling to be this whatever I am. But I know I am an unfinished
project we work on me everyday. It feels good to be rid of my
facebook for the time being to not be watched while I am not even there.
To think that there are opportunities that just opened because my time
has been freed I'll need something to fill those spaces and whatever
I enjoyed about facebook I will search in deeper levels maybe to be
quenched here and there. I just want so much more. I know it sounds like a small beginning
but to me the deactivation is nothing to overlook. I have had something like that
for years now and this change though may have taken minutes the understanding that I
do not need it anymore is a fulfilling one.

She was a little one who knew it from the beginning
she held her hand out to you always stronger than
what is expected.

You took it though you wished the tables were turned
that you could offer your hand to the one that was burned.
But instead she is shouldering you.

Oh Christmas you have saved me.

I was drowning...
But your bows and lights revived me from the depths of
no return.

Your holly and mistletoe steadied me when the earth was fumbling between
consciousness and despair.

I'll go with truth this Holiday Season.

I will travel with hope and find that it dangled on the end of a
rope dragging me along as if I couldn't really move on from
what haunted me. But then your smell of cookies and candy
canes brought me back to my senses.

Knocked me into the relentless..... love.

The morning came and drew me into its blossoming colors and frost.

I was overwhelmed with the goodness it offered me with two hands.
I gladly received of its goodies and jumped on in.

The sweetness of life has wrought me
to happiness, what was tough
has been made soft as snow.

what was ice is now twice as nice as before.

I am happy to be colored with bright reds and blues
I am glad to be held up by angel wings and
baby coos.

Let the light that is stand high in me
let all that is wonderful dance
before my eyes as I watch with surprise.
What lies ahead of me is good I can know this for sure
because I have been told happiness is my only cure
that love is what I was fed to be whole without dread.
No longer dead but alive... really alive.
I feel an inkling to revive what I lost
to kindle the pain with torture and shame.

But oh He would not have that

my hands were tired bound in bonds behind me.

And I was to watch as everything magically was replaced

and made new. Remember Mary Poppin's magically cleaning?

How everything went and found where they belonged?
Where order took place and you could just watch because the hope
in her heart was far too bright for any darkness to impale its

soft supple skin. Let it arise you surprise in you

define in you the person who can be all that you wish to be
and leave it at that not a thought about which way or what hat.
Just happiness bound to you being like light to the sky no matter midnight
or noon sun high in the sky.

Just raptured to delight one's hopes and dreams coming

into sight it all belongs to you.
You are loved it's true.

Fiery sunset

If you click on them they become larger :)
uploaded these for Khensa she was kind enough
to want to see them all. I added a few you haven't seen yet I
 thought blogger was the way to go with these since there
are so many hope you like them!

I feel a pull in my heart a tug at my hand pulling me towards the pain that you are enduring.
I want it to stop. I need it to stop. You don't deserve this. I want you free and happy
I want to see you smile. Please let me hold you. Let  the love from my heart pour
on to you, all over you. I see there is hope and I look for you to see it too.
Your crying, wounds my soul and I have no where else to go.

Please don't dissever the bond we share I know you can feel my heart beat
in your chest and it is beating to keep you alive and well but you are torn nix,
smashed. All I want is to hold you is there no help?


it seems this pain is endless there are no birds that bring a cheery song
 howbeit abandoned sounds that bounce in the seam ache and misery.

"Hold me" she shouts at the top of her lungs. Break of day isn't coming for them that
mourn, she can feel that in her bones. But the sun does rise notwithstanding a light that is grey and grim
and all the feelings that I have for you flicker and shimmer with radiant light
this grasp I have of you I will never let go of.

I need to write just to write

to express myself in ways nothing else can.

today was nice I got to be with my love for a little while
he had to work a double shift and came home in between.

I was taken somewhere else to take photos today and that was pleasant
there was fire involved, don't let me fool you into thinking it was nothing
other than a casual day with casual moments that I enjoyed. . . . casually :)

Edelweiss

She grew up young she had the world
at the tip of her tongue.

She didn't know a soul and they didn't know her
she had a friend at 0-5 and she held on to her
for dear life. She liked her, surely but slowly
the woman slipped away and her best friend
had to be left to decay...

She was young and brave and her parents were proud of her
Edelweiss was told she was very good and that her mother
was proud how brave she was, looking down at her
dress fiddling her fingers Edelweiss didn't smile nor frown
but said "Yes, I handled that well thank you, mother."


The other day I looked in the mirror and a scent
arose from the air it was the smell I knew at four I looked up to see
she, her, me at four my ageless youth happy to be and bring all that I was
all the magic and wonder she knew.

I yelled out to my lover "lover! The best thing just happened
I must tell you of it, you must know too the genuine truth!
I was four again, I am four again."
"you don't look four" replied he who I adore.
"oh, but I am look closer and see!"
 Her smile just then shown so large it could fill the whole sky
but right now it's just clouds and some stars that are up that high.
The moon is hidden she likes to hide, when I was a child I
 used to play hide and go seek with the moon, she followed me everywhere.
I used to wonder if she was just as attached to the other girls and
boys. Sometimes I still wonder.

"I'm just bitter, I'll get better over time"

It is remarkable..

I find that with each passing day there is more wonder in it then the previous...and this is all due to the fact that I wake up and throughout the day I am taught by Papa.


You see... some years ago now me and Him embarked on a journey
I was to go through many trials and tribulations and I was to knock off
the crusty, dirty, yuckyness that this person had begun carrying around..


That journey has taken me places that i am not sure anyone has seen,
even now I am blown away with even just memories of the past couple of
years which I actually have to stop and think about them or else the daily
adventures would hide the past like the first few plops of dirt to the pile
when you are digging a hole.


The blue sky I see out the windows as the sun begins to inch her way
above this region again warms my heart... One of the shades of blue remind me of
the feeling in being assured.. the other brings this grand excitement over me that I can hardly bear if I were outside seeing it wouldn't be right to stand still nor could I, the other colors you would
see if you happened to be filling the seat next to mine would fill you such harmony you would get the feeling of looking over a mountaintop and looking out and knowing that everything below
makes sense and you, yourself are going to be okay yes... harmony it would all come together and for this moment there would be no sirens outside your house no honking of horns or people yelling at each other, just the soft quietness of a child waking from their sleep feeling safe and warm just as any child should... this is why I love being awake as the sun comes up and this is why I love mornings.. I think they were given purpose when Father made them I think they were meant to rejuvenate your spirit.. But look what we have filled them with? and now we dread what was given for to enliven His children.. We have used it as a gateway to the horror of the rest of the busy day, but yet it was formed to be so sweet look at the way dew holds herself when morning comes? Sweet. Listen and hear the sound of bird chirping waking and warming to the thought of newness of life on the horizon. Stop and feel how the sunshine and the air wraps them selves around everything they come in contact with as they rise from their sleep.




It  is all really just magic and wonder that is what mornings are made of bright gorgeous wonder!
And because I am awake this morning I am blessed to have this special function of my heart/spirit come alive in me I know I am so special I was made to be special.. and I love how I am made of up a million or so apparatus... it's so cool to me
that I am a mechanism which supports so many pieces of Father differently than anyone else on the planet...just as you do, you lovely person you!




ahhh.......mmmmm... morning...


There is a birdie outdoors singing sweetly to me saying
"off to bed you sleepy head morning has come and mourning has gone
so sweet dreams to you, you need your rest so you can wake and
enjoy all the cake you can have fit in your belly..."

The tender heart is calling "Hey! listen"

It is hard for me to fully allow myself into the 'Holiday Spirit'
when I have all these amenities and you guys have....barely any.


And I don't know if I'll be there come the 24th or 25th
To disappoint you is something that I don't know I could
be okay with. I know you'd want me to...


I find that..
I am getting excited as I walk passed the decor and festive lights that promise
to bring smiles and glee..but I often stop myself for fear that I may forget to
mourn you. I know I mustn't mourn you but aren't I supposed to be aware?


My mindset is somewhere in between yours and his and then a splash
of my own confusing self. I know that truth is held on both ends and to take
sides would be to ignore truth and I don't want to ignore that.


So I've been walking this line and I've been giving up control
I just listen to you all speak and I wait to see if bells and whistles
ring from the inside of me where my spirit waits to be acknowledged.


And I try to discern what is right and what is folly and today
that means should I smile or hold back?




If you watched me.. and you could see through me
then you'd probably relate me to that of  watching
someone rotate the spark wheel of a lighter though
the lighter is low on fuel and tries to ignite except just
sends up fireworks instead. I spark here and there
trying to obtain the flame of happiness and the abundance
of freedom... And then I remember all the chaos that is my life
and with those thoughts I allow the fuel to be drained and
while I am this way I cannot ignite I am depleted. 




The worst of it all is I don't even know where I really want to be...
And I think that haunts me the most... Where is my heart?


I know I'll most likely end up where my heart is
so I am trying to listen to it, I am really am so I don't
hide behind someone or something else other than
the real cause which was my heart.
More often than not I use all the force I can muster up to go against the grain of my heart and I hardly ever listen to it speak its subtle words that actually
scream for all to hear if my mind weren't louder then the pained cries it lets out.


I hope to listen more closely to take the time to let it breathe
so many people want to hear my heart's true desire it would be
a shame to keep muffling her cry's