The tender heart is calling "Hey! listen"

It is hard for me to fully allow myself into the 'Holiday Spirit'
when I have all these amenities and you guys have....barely any.


And I don't know if I'll be there come the 24th or 25th
To disappoint you is something that I don't know I could
be okay with. I know you'd want me to...


I find that..
I am getting excited as I walk passed the decor and festive lights that promise
to bring smiles and glee..but I often stop myself for fear that I may forget to
mourn you. I know I mustn't mourn you but aren't I supposed to be aware?


My mindset is somewhere in between yours and his and then a splash
of my own confusing self. I know that truth is held on both ends and to take
sides would be to ignore truth and I don't want to ignore that.


So I've been walking this line and I've been giving up control
I just listen to you all speak and I wait to see if bells and whistles
ring from the inside of me where my spirit waits to be acknowledged.


And I try to discern what is right and what is folly and today
that means should I smile or hold back?




If you watched me.. and you could see through me
then you'd probably relate me to that of  watching
someone rotate the spark wheel of a lighter though
the lighter is low on fuel and tries to ignite except just
sends up fireworks instead. I spark here and there
trying to obtain the flame of happiness and the abundance
of freedom... And then I remember all the chaos that is my life
and with those thoughts I allow the fuel to be drained and
while I am this way I cannot ignite I am depleted. 




The worst of it all is I don't even know where I really want to be...
And I think that haunts me the most... Where is my heart?


I know I'll most likely end up where my heart is
so I am trying to listen to it, I am really am so I don't
hide behind someone or something else other than
the real cause which was my heart.
More often than not I use all the force I can muster up to go against the grain of my heart and I hardly ever listen to it speak its subtle words that actually
scream for all to hear if my mind weren't louder then the pained cries it lets out.


I hope to listen more closely to take the time to let it breathe
so many people want to hear my heart's true desire it would be
a shame to keep muffling her cry's