And so the morning starts

it is 6:32 AM

I am wide awake... I guess well at least I don't feel like sleeping is that wide awake enough?
I hate going to a lonely bed.. I know others have it worse but that lonely bed frightens me.
Maybe the idea of rest still shakes me up subconsciously... okay consciously too just not as often, anymore.

Takeo just came and checked on me I am in the dark living room with the light of the laptop illuminating
my face and hands. He just wanted to see if I was okay and surprisingly tonight, I am okay.

The birds are just now chirping they've woken up and I've yet to sleep,
what a silly little one I am.

Sometimes when I stay awake this late I imagine what it would be like if I were the kind of person who
woke up at such a time as this. I imagine a life wrapped up in that morning and I yearn for the softness
of that person of the simplicity that says "Awake the light has come back, it must mean we've done something
right we've kept it shining still, lets try again today."

I look out at that life through these windows I call eyes and the scenery is made up of
frost this morning and a cup of tea or coffee in my hand, as I curl up on some edge outside
soaking in the fresh sunshine. My smile is soft and aglow and the warmth in my heart reflects
the sun rays that keep me from shuddering from the frosty winter weather making it's way
back to us for a little while.

It's not that I am not happy with the way things are now it seems that this schedule has been inevitable
the past couple of years in my life, and that  is okay because there is certainly a time set in place
for everything under the sun.

And I am under it and in Him too.

I hear this clock ticking beside me it is incessant and relentless but it does what it does
and we all follow suite. However I feel as though I am in the wrong country for the time
frame I sleep and wake in.

Will I ride my bike tomorrow? Will I muster the strength it takes to push myself that step forward?

I hope. and if not that then paint begin priming Wayne's kitchen and bathroom... I am very excited and nervous but mostly excited and trusting.

Where can I end these words so I can feel satisfied enough to sleep without them pestering me?

My thoughts are not my thoughts when now I lay me down to sleep.

My thoughts are not my thoughts when in comes the doubt and second guessing.

My thoughts are my thoughts when sharpened and pressed for all the good things.

"For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."


those are my thoughts that's what I am.


Now somehow I will be that honestly and completely, right?